Overcoming Negative Thoughts and Beliefs

For any family goal (or personal goal for that matter) to be successful, families need to take the time to discuss the Yeah But’s. Yeah But's are the worries, objections, negative thoughts, and negative beliefs we have when confronting change.

What are Yeah But’s?

Yeah But’s are always the sentences that come at the end of every statement or affirmation of change. I want to spend more time with my kids, BUT my boss requires I work weekends. We want to take a trip to Disney World, BUT it is very expensive and we don’t know how we can afford it. Yeah But’s are always the big sighs we express when contemplating doing something different with our lives or making a hard change.

The Yeah But’s are what stop us from realizing our family goals and are the reasons our family goals fail and the reason we stop setting goals at all after a while. If you don’t address the Yeah But’s then you never address the real problems and lasting change in any family will never occur.

How to Tackle the Yeah But’s

After setting your family goals, the next step in the process is to focus on identifying and tackling the Yeah But’s.

Similar to the goal setting exercise, gather some paper, pencils, your completed goal setting chart, and if you are using one a table top flip chart. Be sure to pick a time when distractions will be minimized and when everyone is feeling fresh.

Start by reviewing the family goals you established. If your kids are old enough, let them take the lead with this task. It will give the experience talking in front of people and help develop self confidence.

Next, start by defining for the family what a Yeah But means. Use a simple definition so that the kids can easily grasp the concept. For example you might start by giving them an example of a Yeah But as it relates to your family goals. Or try saying something like, Yeah But’s are the hard things we have to understand and solve to make our family goal successful. Once everyone understands the concept of Yeah But’s it is time to move on to the next step.

Begin with the first family goal on your list and as a family start listing all the Yeah But’s for that goal. If your kids are old enough you can assign the job of listing the Yeah But’s to one of the kids. Some of the Yeah But’s will be simple and take little time to solve and others will be more complex and take longer to address. The key is to just list the Yeah But’s at first and not get buried in discussions of how to solve them. Here is an example of a family goal and some of the Yeah But’s:

Family Goal – All of the kids will get straight A’s on their next report card

Possible Yeah But’s to this example family goal:

It is hard to find the time to study everyday
Math is really hard
Mom and Dad don’t have a lot of time to help the kids
It is hard to keep track of all the assignments

After the Yeah Buts are listed, it is time to write down actions to overcome and address each Yeah But. This is where it will get hard for most families because many of the Yeah But’s require sacrifices and the willingness to change. Here are some possible actions to overcome the Yeah But’s in our example:

Possible Actions

Set aside one hour after dinner every night to study. Mom and Dad will turn off the TV and stop all work and chores to just focus on helping the kids with homework. Even if there is no homework everyone must have one hour of quiet reading or studying.
Review our assignments every Sunday with Mom and Dad. Make a study plan for every night of the week.
Ask our high school neighbor to tutor the kids one hour every week in math
Make a cool assignment notebook to keep track of all our studies. Use this every Sunday to review our assignments with Mom and Dad.

In our example, sacrifices and changes are required of all family members. This helps to encourage families to work together and build closeness through the accomplishment of goals.

Following Through

Tackling the Yeah But’s and achieving your family goals will not always be an easy task. It will require dedication from every family member and persistence. Here are some tips to help keep you on track.

Realize there will be setbacks and obstacles. Not every action will go according to plan and you may have to readjust your strategy if something isn’t working.
Set up time every week on your family calendar to go through all your goals and action plans to check your progress. This will help remind everyone of the reasons behind all the changes and help keep you focused.
Be willing to scale back (not abandon) your goals and action plans if you realize the changes are too much for the kids or yourself. For example, if striving for all A’s is causing a lot of emotional stress on the kid’s, then consider revising the goal to all A’s and B’s. Sacrificing your child’s self confidence for the sake of a goal isn’t worth it. Keep the big picture in mind, but don’t make excuses for giving up.